I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Especially the ultimate relationship- marriage.
Love, marriage, and commitment are concepts that scare, confuse, excite and motivate people. Time after time I see so many people struggle with marriage. As newlyweds you jump in, head first in the glory of one another, but after a time the newness wears off and you start to get real.
Many people are in love with the idea of being in love and the fantasy of love that is portrayed in our media and society, but when you really get to the heart of it, you realize that maybe it takes something more that a dozen roses to make a relationship last.
In my ten short years of marriage, many people have wagered that perhaps my husband and I wouldn't "make it." There are days when I might consider weighing in on that bet. However, in this short time I have learned a couple key things about what it takes to be in a relationship with someone for an extended period of time.
The first thing I have learned is the importance of Honesty. Often times, brutal honesty is necessary to get closer together. Through compromise and refining, each person has to be honest and accept honesty in order to better themselves and grow. My husband an I live very honestly with one another. When he compliments me I know it isn't just fluff and when he criticizes me, I know he is trying to help me improve. If we didn't accept each other's honesty our relationship would fall apart. People on the outside remark that we are too honest with each other or that we are not being kind, but what they don't understand is that what we want more than anything is to give ourselves completely to one another through that honesty. This means we don't hide things or keep things from each other, no matter how small it seems.
The second thing I've learned is that love, and specifically marriage, has to be a Choice every day. In order to work through the good and bad you have to choose each other every day. That means you choose to be there, you choose to put forth effort and you choose to be with them even if they are having a hard time. When one person stops choosing to be there, then that is when things go awry.
Relationships are complex and they take two people in order to make them work. These may seem like simple truths, and in many ways they are, but they become much more once you internalize them. Through honesty you can eliminate jealousy. Through choosing your partner each day you can work through any bumps. Trust and honesty can also lead to excellent communication, which is an integral part to an effective relationship. Through honesty and choice you can eliminate gender stereotypes and instead of wanting chivalry you can simply have humanism.
People often give my husband a hard time for not opening the door for me or for joking around and giving me a bad time, but when I do the same to him, no one bats an eye. Hence the double standard. He often comment "When she is willing to admit she is lesser than me, then I will start opening the door for her."
This is generally followed by gasps of horror and then a laugh from the two of us.
He knows that I am strong and would never admit to such a thing because it isn't true.
We do not have double standards in our marriage. I am a strong woman who doesn't need someone to open the door. So instead we act out of mutual respect. If I get to a door first, I open it. If he gets their first, he opens it. He puts the toilet seat up when he needs it and I put it down. We work together not against one another.
Our love is deep and real. We recognize that life is hard and that there may come a time when we just don't work well together. If that time comes, then we love each other enough to want the utmost happiness for the other. But for now our love continues. Don't get me wrong, we still irritate each other and get on one another's nerves from time to time. We both have strong stubborn personalities. We also make mistakes and have to apologize. We have slightly different ideas on how to discipline our daughter or complete a give task. But none of these things undermines the importance of honesty and choice in our relationship.
Marriage and love is not a 'bowl of cupcakes and butterflies' as many people think. It takes work. It is beautiful and complex and confusing at times; more like a Jackson Pollock painting. Some people get it and others don't. Some people think its easy to just splatter paint on a canvas while others know there is something deeper, something emotional about it. It's messy.
So the next time you are wondering 'what does it take?" My answer is... you. It takes you putting forth effort, you being honest with yourself and your partner, and you choosing your significant other every day. I don't pretend to be the love expert or guarantee that all relationships will 'work out' due to these things. But I can say one thing, I am very blessed to have the kind of marriage I have and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Love, marriage, and commitment are concepts that scare, confuse, excite and motivate people. Time after time I see so many people struggle with marriage. As newlyweds you jump in, head first in the glory of one another, but after a time the newness wears off and you start to get real.
Many people are in love with the idea of being in love and the fantasy of love that is portrayed in our media and society, but when you really get to the heart of it, you realize that maybe it takes something more that a dozen roses to make a relationship last.
In my ten short years of marriage, many people have wagered that perhaps my husband and I wouldn't "make it." There are days when I might consider weighing in on that bet. However, in this short time I have learned a couple key things about what it takes to be in a relationship with someone for an extended period of time.
The first thing I have learned is the importance of Honesty. Often times, brutal honesty is necessary to get closer together. Through compromise and refining, each person has to be honest and accept honesty in order to better themselves and grow. My husband an I live very honestly with one another. When he compliments me I know it isn't just fluff and when he criticizes me, I know he is trying to help me improve. If we didn't accept each other's honesty our relationship would fall apart. People on the outside remark that we are too honest with each other or that we are not being kind, but what they don't understand is that what we want more than anything is to give ourselves completely to one another through that honesty. This means we don't hide things or keep things from each other, no matter how small it seems.
The second thing I've learned is that love, and specifically marriage, has to be a Choice every day. In order to work through the good and bad you have to choose each other every day. That means you choose to be there, you choose to put forth effort and you choose to be with them even if they are having a hard time. When one person stops choosing to be there, then that is when things go awry.
Relationships are complex and they take two people in order to make them work. These may seem like simple truths, and in many ways they are, but they become much more once you internalize them. Through honesty you can eliminate jealousy. Through choosing your partner each day you can work through any bumps. Trust and honesty can also lead to excellent communication, which is an integral part to an effective relationship. Through honesty and choice you can eliminate gender stereotypes and instead of wanting chivalry you can simply have humanism.
People often give my husband a hard time for not opening the door for me or for joking around and giving me a bad time, but when I do the same to him, no one bats an eye. Hence the double standard. He often comment "When she is willing to admit she is lesser than me, then I will start opening the door for her."
This is generally followed by gasps of horror and then a laugh from the two of us.
He knows that I am strong and would never admit to such a thing because it isn't true.
We do not have double standards in our marriage. I am a strong woman who doesn't need someone to open the door. So instead we act out of mutual respect. If I get to a door first, I open it. If he gets their first, he opens it. He puts the toilet seat up when he needs it and I put it down. We work together not against one another.
Our love is deep and real. We recognize that life is hard and that there may come a time when we just don't work well together. If that time comes, then we love each other enough to want the utmost happiness for the other. But for now our love continues. Don't get me wrong, we still irritate each other and get on one another's nerves from time to time. We both have strong stubborn personalities. We also make mistakes and have to apologize. We have slightly different ideas on how to discipline our daughter or complete a give task. But none of these things undermines the importance of honesty and choice in our relationship.
Marriage and love is not a 'bowl of cupcakes and butterflies' as many people think. It takes work. It is beautiful and complex and confusing at times; more like a Jackson Pollock painting. Some people get it and others don't. Some people think its easy to just splatter paint on a canvas while others know there is something deeper, something emotional about it. It's messy.
So the next time you are wondering 'what does it take?" My answer is... you. It takes you putting forth effort, you being honest with yourself and your partner, and you choosing your significant other every day. I don't pretend to be the love expert or guarantee that all relationships will 'work out' due to these things. But I can say one thing, I am very blessed to have the kind of marriage I have and I wouldn't want it any other way.
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