Getting out of the gutter

It really sucks to be stuck in a rut. Whether emotional, financial or otherwise, there are very few things worse than feeling like you aren't going anywhere. We wallow in self pity and wonder how we are ever going to get out of our pit of despair. Maybe someone comes along and pulls you out, or perhaps you get up the strength to claw your way out. No matter how you do it, you feel rather accomplished when it's all said and done. But what got us there in the first place? How do we keep from falling in again? What if we get sucked in by someone else!? These are questions that often roll through my head and it got me thinking about my own gutters and ruts.

Once upon a time when I thought I knew everything about the world, I started asking myself these tough questions. I listened to the advise of those older and wiser than I and I set a goal to improve myself. This past year was tough in many ways but when a loved one suffers from depression it can be unlike any other challenge. I started thinking more about how to cope in healthy ways with the stress of life and work and I began learning some important lessons along the way.

We've all been stuck in a rut from time to time and I remember various stages of my life that felt like I was not progressing. Looking back I think that part of the reason I got stuck is because I lost my perspective, lost my drive or motivation, or I allowed negative things to pull me down. Having too much negative energy in your life is extremely destructive and it took me a great deal of time to learn how to eliminate that negativity.

The first thing I had to do was stop taking things so personal. So often we get offended by others around us, but usually there is no good reason to be offended. It's just our excuse to be mad about something. Letting things roll off your back is a tough but important lesson. Try telling yourself that you don't need negativity in your life and try to see the good in those around you. Not everything is a personal attack and when we take offense to something it only hurts us. Of course stand up for yourself if someone is intentionally hurting you, but don't play on their field.

Another important thing I had to do was stop assuming. Often we get upset over things that never even occurred simply because we assume. I had the opportunity to listen to a great speaker earlier this year Marc Elliot, author of "What Makes You Tic?" And he said, "Live and let live" Live your life and let others live theirs, and stop judging yourself based on what you assume others are thinking. Or rather as my husband says, make the best choice you can based on the information you have at the moment. Additionally, don't dwell on the past because we can only affect the present and future. Don't cling to things that bring you down or that don't have any real significance in your life.

There are many reasons we might get in a rut, career, family, friends, finances etc. But they all lead to the core problem  stress. Stress is a huge factor in our poor health and all of these things can become major stressors in our lives if we don't find and use healthy coping strategies. I find that so many people I know, don't know what healthy coping strategies are, and for a long time, I didn't either. Some of the best things your can do are sometimes the simplest. Things like eating healthy and getting enough sleep are key to keeping your physical body at its maximum stress fighting potential. Another super important one is learn to say "no". This was also a hard lesson for me to learn but I am so glad I did. You can't do everything. No seriously...I know you are thinking that you HAVE to do everything or it won't get done, but trust me saying no to even just a few things will actually allow you to prioritize and have a better grasp on things so that you can be even more effective.

Other great coping strategies include, yoga, meditation, massage or even just taking a hot bath. Things that relax our physical body will also relax our minds. It's important that you focus on the whole person and not just one part. Surround yourself with people you enjoy and avoid people who make you feel stressed out. De-clutter your home and turn off your TV and electronics when you feel overwhelmed. Express your feelings, either to a trusted friend or confidante or on paper in a journal or blog. Journaling is a fantastic way to track your progress and really get your thoughts out without being interrupted.

Adjusting your perspective and viewing the big picture is a great way to re-frame. Focus on the positive and set realistic goals for yourself. So often people are consumed by perfection. Don't set yourself up for failure by setting unrealistic goals. If you have lofty goals break them down in to smaller more achievable goals so that you can see your progress along the way.

There are so many great ways to unwind and focus but you have to make it a priority. Choose to come out of your rut and choose to improve your well being. Take just 2 minutes each day to de stress. Go for a walk, play with a pet, laugh, listen to some music. These things will make a huge impact on your life if you let them.

What happens when you  have tried these things and you still feel like you aren't getting anywhere? Every person is unique and different, with their own problems, so it's important to know your limits. If you feel like you have done all you can then seek out the guidance of others. Doctors, religious leaders and even a caring friend might have some additional insight that could help you work through your problems. It is hard not to be stubborn and continue to believe you can do it all on your own.

When you have expended all your healthy coping strategies, its time to enlist the help of others. About mid summer I started experiencing moderate anxiety. I wasn't sleeping and I would get anxiety attacks at the oddest times. At first I started journaling, then I started going to yoga, but after a while those things no longer worked. I noticed I would get a very short temper with my daughter and I felt like I was yelling at her all the time. I was exhausted and felt very frustrated. So I finally sought out the help of my bishop and doctor.  Both gave me great advice and I decided to start taking an anti-anxiety pill. At first I didn't want to because I was worried about the stigma or opinions of others, I was also very hard on myself, thinking that I was weak or broken. But once my stress levels went down and I was finally sleeping again, I realized just how important it was for me to manage my anxiety. After only 6 months I have been able to come off my medication and still feel like myself. I feel stronger than ever and more confident that I can handle things that come my way. I also learned when enough is enough and it's time to get help beyond myself. As stubborn as I am this has always been a challenge, but I now know how important it is to seek out help from others.

Another key thing to learn is that your spiritual health is just as important as your physical health. When you are stuck in a rut, one of the best things you can do for yourself is improve your spiritual health. Finding ways to be inspired and moved on a deep emotional level can allow you to explore your inner thoughts and feelings as well as help you align your priorities. When we start looking beyond our current state and start viewing our potential this gives us hope and motivation for the future. I have spent a great deal of time over the past year and a half improving my spiritual health. Spirituality is entirely personal and is a great way to discover who you are without the influence of others. Try not to get hung up on "everything you are doing wrong" We all make mistakes and every time you choose God, or self improvement then you are achieving your goals in your spiritual life. Our Creator had intention when creating us and it is with that in mind that we must see our value.  Each month I have set 1 small goal for myself, kept a journal of it and reflected upon what I learned. Through this journey I have found more happiness, I have improved my interpersonal relationships, I have forgiven more and felt and ease to my burdens. I believe it is this strength that guided me through the summer and allowed me to glean new insight after the fact. make your spiritual health a priority and if you have an open heart you will feel lifted out of the rut.

All this being said, I still have a few ruts from time to time but I feel like I am living my life on a happier sphere. I look out into the world and I see opportunities rather than challenges. I see wonderful people who are just trying to do the best they can like everyone else. I feel like if everyone could just stop for one second and realize that we have no idea what is going on in the lives of those around us, that we could overcome all of our differences. Each person is going through different struggles, and we have no idea if they have just lost a loved one, lost a job, been struggling with an emotional challenge or addiction. So many people have financial troubles and family problems, if we just stop and realize then maybe we could all be a little more understanding. I feel like I have the ability to see the potential in people, their goodness rather than their ills. I have found great peace through the process of forgiveness; both forgiving others and myself as well as being forgiven. While my physical health isn't quite where I want it to be, I have a new determination to get physically healthy. I sleep better, and have more patience with my family. I am better able to balance my two careers, family, and other obligations. It is far easier now to get myself out of those ruts so I'm not stuck so long and I know that if I continue to utilize these things it can only get better.

Be grateful for what you have not disappointed for what you don't have. Don't blame others or use bad circumstances as an excuse. Choose to be happy, choose to improve yourself and choose to eliminate negativity from your life. It's not easy and it won't happen overnight but it will be worth it. 

I Just Stepped on a Tomato

Raising children is a science experiment. Anyone who tells you differently doesn't have kids.

A little less than 5 years ago, my husband and I learned that we would soon become parents. News that shocked and surprised us at first and then brought excitement and joy. Before the birth of our daughter we had very specific ideas of how we would raise our children. We vowed that we would insure they never misbehave in public. I was confident that I was going to keep my child clean and tidy and we were mature and thoughtful when considering how we would teach her life lessons. We agreed on a plan of discipline and we read several books on parenting to help us be prepared. We even contemplated the idea of telling our child the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. We even decided we would use proper names for body parts and we would never use "baby talk" to identify things.We developed a solid plan of approach and waited for the day of arrival.  We had back up plans for conceivable events and I was committed to providing a healthy life for my child...

Little did I know what complete B.S. that was.

When our sweet daughter entered the world I was not immediately overcome with tears and joy. Let's just say the experience was surreal and it took me a bit to process the fact that I had just given birth. Additionally, they were going to let us take her home from the hospital and once we got home my husband and I just kept wondering "if her real parents were going to come get her." I'm not sure when we finally came to the realization that we were her real parents.

Before you have children you assume that your example and reactions to them is what shapes who they are. If you provide positive feedback for good behavior they will continue to do those things and negative feedback for unacceptable behavior then they will stop. HA! As the first few months passed, I realized very quickly that we as parents have very little to do with who our daughter becomes as a person.

As anyone will tell you, children do not come with an instruction manual. As children grow, their personalities become more apparent. Certainly our example and influence affect our children on some levels but sadly not always in the way we want.

The first time I realized how my behavior and example affected my daughter was when I first heard her say dammit . I hadn't even noticed that I had said it until I heard her banging a couple of blocks together saying "dammit, dammit, dammit." I turned to her and said "What are you doing?!" she looked at me so innocently as said "What, I'm just damning it." As many people discover along the way, being a parent requires some changes in our own behavior not just our children.

As our daughter grew we continued to learn that all of those things we had planned were really just superfluous. Although we established good routines and discipline, things never go the way you plan. I really don't know how people keep their children totally clean. We did strive not to use too much baby talk but it is far too easy and fun to mimic the sounds that those little ones make when they are first learning to communicate. As a mom I turned into a complete goob; mimicking my daughter as she learned new words, getting excited when she held her own bottle, went potty on her own, and giggling when she first tasted a lemon. 

We had always planned to be very clinical with our daughter when it came to helping her learn about her body. You know, very "Look Who's Talking" with Kirsti Alley and John Travolta. One day she was going to the bathroom and as I checked on her I noticed that she was trying to stand on the toilet seat. I asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was going potty. I asked her to sit down and she stated "but daddy stands when he goes potty." I said "yes but you need to sit down." She looked at me puzzled as if thinking what to say and then she looked up at me very seriously and said "Daddy has a tail on his butt." I nearly had to leave the room to keep from falling over in laughter. Now one might think that this would be the prime opportunity to use those clinical words to describe body parts and the obvious differences between boys and girls. Well, I was laughing so hard and also embarrassed at the frankness of her description, relating it to the only thing in her world that was close to it, that I just nodded my head and said "yep, daddy has a tail on his butt." And left it at that. I fear that my daughter will be scarred for life when I finally get up the nerve to explain the differences in gender to her. 

More recently, we have gone through the treacherous threes. Two was a great year and I often wonder when my sweet angel will come out from hiding, but three is a whole different game. Three has been an adventure to say the least and this past year I have learned a lot. As our daughter gains more independence I am realizing that I may have absolutely no control over who she becomes. She is stubborn and assertive and this results in her being even more dirty, never wanting her hair brushed, insisting on doing everything herself; which takes an insane amount of time, and patience, and a years worth of paper towels. She likes to get her own food and drinks, clean up after herself; which really leaves me with another mess, and she loves to be creative. The creativity of a child should be contained in a room covered in plastic with a hose handy. (We also always thought we'd ensure all the toys were picked up and everything was in its place...yeah right!)

This summer the strains of travel and life were really getting to me and I noticed that my patience with our daughter was getting thin. Sometimes out of sheer exhaustion from work I would loose my temper with her and her sweet forgiveness humbled me.

One day in particular I was in quite a rush to get to an appointment. After just slipping on a clean pair of socks I dashed through the house to find where the shoe fairy had left my shoes. Our daughter has always loved eating tomatoes and one of her favorite things is to pick them fresh from her great-grandfather's garden. We also buy small grape tomatoes and have them handy as a snack with Goldfish crackers. Upon entering the living room I caught my daughter sneaking a tomato off the table and in my hurry and impatience to get her going I rushed toward her to reprimand her for wasting time. At that moment I felt a cold squish under my foot. I quickly retracted my body and felt myself getting infuriated. I felt a rush of anger, wanting to yell at my little one for creating the situation at hand, or rather foot, and I wanted to scream. In that second, though, a new and more powerful thought entered my mind "are you seriously going to yell at your daughter for eating tomatoes?"

The moment the thought entered my mind I realized how shortsighted I had been. I looked down at my soggy sock and laughed. It was only a sock after all. After a moment's hesitation my daughter began to laugh too. I sat down next to her and she eagerly climbed into my lap. I pulled off the sock and gave her a big squeeze. With the remnants of a tomato still in her mouth she giggled and said "mom you stepped on a tomato." I laughed with her and I held on to that precious moment. Nothing else seemed as important as holding my sweet angel. The anger rushed away replaced by an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude. I was blessed with a beautiful little girl, who would rather eat tomatoes more than almost anything. I am lucky to have a husband who cooks from scratch every day so that she knows all her vegetables and actually enjoys eating them. I have two jobs and more than one pair of socks.

As I held my precious child I realized how silly and a little selfish I had been over the past few weeks. Everything I need in life is right here wrapped up in love. I let go of the anger I had been holding onto from everything that had gotten to me over the summer. I opened up my heart to forgive those who had wronged me and to forgive myself for thinking "I'll never be a perfect mom." In that moment I learned how moms really are perfect and that I might actually get the hang of this someday. I hugged and kissed my tomato slime little girl and found a new sock. I was grateful to clean up that stupid tomato I had squashed into the floor and I felt renewed in my purpose as a wife and mother.

As crazy as it feels, being a parent is the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a person. I may never been the kind of mom who keeps my child totally clean, but then a little dirt never hurt anyone. The truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny is love and I pray she never stops believing in them. For her recent fourth birthday we held a cherry tomato relay race and made a group finger painting mural to allow all the kids to be creative. We don't have plastic covering our furniture and so far the 5 second rule has been an effective way of keeping germs away.

I have no idea when I will ever get the courage to explain to my daughter the difference between boys and girls, but I know one thing for sure, all it takes is stepping on a few tomatoes to help you see how truly blessed it is to be a parent and how unpredictably awesome it is to raise a child. 

A Smile is Contagious.

Have you ever wondered how it feels to be really happy? A friend of mine, going through a rough time was sharing their feelings with me the other day and said, "I don't know how to be happy. I don't know what I would do if I were actually happy." This message struck me. I too have my struggles as does everyone. Lately I have been experiencing some anxiety myself. Heavens knows why; I only work two jobs, have been travelling all summer, and tend to pile more on my plate than is normal. ;)  I have worked hard to develop some healthy coping strategies like yoga, and writing in my journal. But when a friend says "I don't know what I would do if I were actually happy", it kinda makes you step back and think.

Over the past year and a half I have set some goals for myself and worked hard at reaching them. Goals to be a better listener, to strengthen my faith in God, and to find that true Joy that I know is out there. On any given day I don't go around all cupcakes and butterflies, I mean I have to live in reality too. But for the most part I feel pretty happy. I enjoy life, I love my family, I like getting up for work in the morning, and I am grateful for all the ways God blesses my life. I recognize these things and I revel in the goodness I find there. I still get mad, frustrated, even infuriated sometimes. So how do we learn how to feel happy?

In this day and age it doesn't seem like there are many things to be happy about. The economy is still stuck, jobs are getting harder, raising kids is getting more difficult with media and morality debates every step of the way. For example, I took my daughter to the mall and she wanted to play on the kid's slide. After a few minutes she comes over to me almost in tears and said "mommy, they aren't taking their turns, I can't get my turn." All the other kids were climbing over her. There were kids in there that were really too big to be playing and none of them seemed to notice the little girl they were shoving out of the way. I literally saw a young boy climb over her and step on her hand. How do we teach our children to be good people when there are so many who are not examples of good behavior? So I wonder, with so much bad in the world, it's a wonder anyone can find happiness. More and more people are struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders. Additionally, health in America is declining with rampant obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. It is clear that people are searching for whatever they can to fill the void of unhappiness.

So as I pondered the statement my friend made, I thought about how I had found happiness. I don't remember when but I do remember someone at some point in my life telling me that you have to choose to be happy. As a little girl I remember my mother and grandmother being silly and enjoying the simple things in life. Growing up in a family with little finances, my mother instilled in me the message that "we may not be rich with money, but we are rich in love." I have carried this with me throughout my whole life. Which is good because as a young person,  money has been a struggle. I also was blessed with a very supportive family. I remember a particularly difficult time in my life and when you are scraping the bottom of the barrel it is easy to feel like giving up. Luckily I had my mom's voice in the back of my mind, always loving me and that truly kept me going. I have always observed those around me and tried to learn from their mistakes. I have always tried to really internalize those motivational messages that I hear, but all of that seems so incomplete when it comes to answering the question about how to find happiness.

I was channel surfing the other day and happened upon Oprah's new station and her Sunday show called Lifeclass. I instantly got sucked into a story on letting go of anger. Forgiveness is a key element in finding happiness I've discovered. She shared a variety of stories of individuals who, through their personal trials, were able to forgive others and let go of their anger. This was a powerful lesson to me. It is absolutely true that hate and anger will consume your life if you let it. I often say offhanded that I don't have the time or energy to hate people and even though I say it lightly it really is true. It takes a great deal of energy to hate a person and swim around in that drama. Free yourself by choosing not to hate others. Oprah furthers her lesson by saying, you can accept that something happened to you but you don't have to let it consume you. Bad things will happen to us, and in some cases those bad things will be the direct result of a choice that another person has made. We can either choose to learn something from the experience or we can allow that hurt and hate to consume us.

I get road rage pretty bad and even in the midst of yelling some obscenity at someone who can't hear me, I am always reminded of the Lord's hand in my life. I can't help but thank God for putting the slow person in front of me because I will never know what unforeseen circumstance I avoided by being a little slower. I am also humbled by this because I am reminded that I have no idea what is going on in that other person's life. Perhaps they are on their way to a job interview and they have been out of work for several months. Perhaps they are on their way to a grandchild's birthday party, or maybe, like me, they have a stubborn child in the back seat driving them nuts. Putting myself in other people's shoes has really helped me find the good in my life.

Faith has been the other big thing in my life lately. I have been working hard to strengthen my faith in God. I have always wanted to learn more about God and I enjoy going to church and learning how to be a better person. Over the past year I have done more personal study and tried to be more Christlike in dealing with others and I can tell you that this has brought me a great amount of Joy. Not only in helping others but also in helping myself. I am very grateful for the way the Lord works in my life and for the lessons He teaches me. Working hard to better myself and increase my faith in God has helped me find more happiness and more peace.

Take time to recognize the goodness in your life. Enjoy the beauty that surrounds you each day. Let go of anger and work toward forgiveness. Have Faith. Love your friends and family and enjoy spending time with  them. Do good for others. Choose to be happy today. Learn from those difficult experiences and cling to the silver lining as if your life depended on it. Hold a baby. Turn off all your electronics and go for a walk or take a relaxing bath.

These are just a few of the things I do to create happiness. I don't think happiness just happens. we have to create it, we have to live it, and we have to share it. Be silly and always remember the kid inside. I like to slide across the floor in my socks or dance in my living room with my daughter. I know if you look deep within yourself you can find some happiness. But above all, never give up. help those around you see the good in life. If you are struggling like my friend, maybe part of it is fake it till you make it. Try something new even if you think it won't work. A smile is contagious and you just might find, that for one small moment you are happy.

On Turning 30

In less than 1 hour I will officially be 30 years old. This is a pivotal moment in every young person's life and everyone reacts to 30 differently. It is an exciting bittersweet experience thus far. But what does it mean to be 30? I used to think I knew. When I was in high school I had this image or rather fantasy of what I thought my life would be like at 30. I imagined I'd be married with a kid or two. I thought I'd have some matching furniture in a nice little house and I thought we'd be in a fairly stable financial situation. You know, after graduating from college and finding careers, I thought paying our bills would be pretty simple and that we'd also have money in savings. Building up a little nest egg or saving for the future of our kids. I thought I'd be...well, settled.

Unfortunately, 30 is quite different. Despite the lack of my very own parking place and a little white fence there are some parts of turning 30 I had never even considered. I had no idea that the economy would tank and that renting an apartment would actually turn out in our favor. It allows us freedom and mobility and when stuff breaks, we don't have to pay to fix it. :) I never imagined I would be so loved by the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. I also never imagined I could be so completely happily married. So many people have trouble with their relationships and in this day and age it's hard not to trip over someone breaking up or getting divorced. Even though I have loved my husband for nearly 12 years, before we were married and even early on, there was always that tiny fear that things may not work out. Now I am just so grateful for him and the life that we have built, every single day. Do we always see eye to eye, no. But we work together to build one another up. He is my biggest supporter and I can't imagine spending my 30th birthday or any birthday with anyone else.

Turning 30 isn't what I thought it would be, instead it is so much more. I am loved and happy and I've been able to do things I never thought I could. I have true friends who I can call on in the middle of the night. I have a loving family. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and a great cook to make my dinner :) Most of all I have a sense of accomplishment, great self worth and faith in God.

I don't think it gets much better than this. Happy birthday to me!

Crazy but good.

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm sure you were all waiting on the edge of your seats pining for me to write some more. :) If you aren't familiar with the seasons of debate then here is the down low: during the summer you contact your students for an initial get to know you, most of the varsity students prep during the summer and we often have a little mini camp for a few days to give our students the extra information they need to get ready for competition. Then school starts the end of August, first part of Sept. Our first tournament is the last weekend in October, then we have approximately 10 two day tournaments from November through the end of February with qualifying tournaments in March and April. Then Nationals in June and then we start over again. So unfortunately people usually don't see me or hear from me from November or December until April. And as can be observed from my blog, that's pretty much what happened this time.

                                             Chillin in my classroom.

So what have I been doing all this time to improve myself? Well after graduating from The College of Massage Therapy and starting my massage business in October I have been excited to watch my clientele grow and my business reach more people. I enjoyed spending the holidays with family and take whatever break I could. After the holidays I set a goal to loose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday and I joined Gold's Gym. In February I was selected as the area's National Forensic League district coach of the year. I was very excited about this accomplishment having only coached for 5 short years. I gained some new and different responsibilities at my church and I attempted to get through a few books I had started.

I've refocused my efforts on spending quality time with my family and while I was on spring break I believe I did just that. Watching my daughter grow and learn is amazing. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of watching a three year old can probably understand this wonder to behold. I try not to be one of those parents that 'thinks my kid is a genius' but isn't it fascinating to watch them discover the world. One of my favorite things is listening to her develop language. Our ability to communicate truly is what sets us apart as a species and it is what makes us human. It is baffling to watch her learn new words and even more, to listen to her make connections between things.

Now it's May and only a few weeks away from my birthday and not nearly close enough to meet my weight loss goals. However, I have learned some good lessons. With all the stress and craziness with my career in education it has been hard to decide to stay teaching another year or put all my energy and effort into growing my massage therapy business. It is my goal to transition out of education and into massage therapy but it is a scary and risky experience to change careers. Next year is going to come with some big changes and as much as I'd like to throw in the towel now, we just feel it wouldn't be financially prudent.

I have been working hard at working out and eating healthy. I have enjoyed my weight lifting class. Although I haven't met my weight loss goals I feel better about my body, I feel like I've lost body fat and my pants fit better; which I think is the better measure. It is NOT easy to loose weight. However, I have had some great experiences through my workouts and even recently had an almost spiritual moment during a spinning class. All in all I'm glad I joined the gym and I feel better every day that I go.


Transitions and change are good. They allow us to see our world from a different perspective. In one week I will turn 30. Isn't it funny how we have a picture in our mind of how our life will be when we are 30. I remember in high school, thinking that by this point, I would have graduated with my Master's degree, own a home and be able to pay all my bills and still have money left over for food and gas. Boy was I naive! I guess some lessons you can only learn the hard way. I do find it frustrating when I see barely twenty something's going around as if they've got it all figured out. They have a great house with matching furniture, a kid or two, a decent job, and they seem to be doing pretty well. But I suppose everyone is dealt a different hand of cards so we have to go with what we've got.

Someday I will have that house and some matching furniture to go with it. But most of all I just want happiness and joy....Oh and a parking spot that is all my own!

Little by little.

I hate change. But c'est la vie; sometimes life throws you interesting challenges and you have to suck it up. Teaching has been my passion for the past five years and a dream since I was in the second grade. Unfortunately dreams aren't always as idealistic as when you are seven. Education, as many of you know, has taken an interesting direction as of late. Not one that I am totally opposed to but there are certainly many things that I wish were different. The biggest problem for me is this attitudinal barrier that teachers are little more than babysitters with no worthwhile skills nor contributions to society.
This, along with a great deal of student apathy, has led me to consider some changes of my own. As a recent graduate from The College of Massage Therapy I have a whole new set of tools I can use to help people. With this in mind, as well as my unbelievable organizational abilities and efficiency, have made me wonder if my path should go a different way for a while.
What is it that people often say? There aren't any regrets only what ifs? I'm not sure if that is the exact quote or not but it's an interesting thought.

What if I stayed in teaching and what if I started doing massage full time?
If I stay in teaching there is little to no financial growth in my current position as an educator. The state and school district continues to reduce benefits and kids are increasingly apathetic toward their education. On a personal and professional level I feel there are still many ways I can grow and learn but is that outweighed by the need to be recognized for excelling in my current skills or the need to adequately provide for my family.

A lot of people stay in education because they LOVE teaching. I love teaching too. I hate to sound greedy, but I went to college and got a degree so I could pursue a job that would allow me to grow both professionally and financially. I never expected to be "Rich" as a teacher, but I thought it wasn't far reaching to expect to be able to buy a house and pay my bills.

After college I thought the days of living paycheck to paycheck were over. I always laugh when people talk to me about buying a house, as if we actually have money in our savings account.

I've recently been conducting a little study of my own to ask my colleagues why they teach or why they stay. The majority of them have spouses who work full time and make $60-$100K a year. So my colleagues can "afford" to teach.

This saddens me. So I contemplate daily, what life changes I can make to achieve financial security.


So on a positive note, change can be motivating.  And blessings can be answered.

Regardless of what I decide to do, my massage therapy business has been thriving. I am constantly getting new clients and helping others that want to be helped. This can really fill up your "bucket". :)

Other changes can help you get your life back into perspective. The past few years have been a crazy whirlwind of insanity. I've been going at 150 miles per hour every day for as long as I can remember. I've missed out on a lot with my family and it has really come to the forefront more recently. So I made a few changes in my schedule. Started saying no more often and continue to trim down all that I do and I realized very quickly how important that family time really is. The next few months appear pretty busy, so in order to  maintain my family time I need to make sure I keep that in perspective.

Taking time for myself has been a work in progress but one that has shown me how important it really is. Creating a balanced life is a truly healthy and invigorating experience. I have found that when I take time for myself, I have more energy and patience to focus on my other duties, so I do them better and more fully.

This past year  has been an interesting journey, one with some fascinating lessons and many wonderful experiences. So looking back I hope that I can make the best choice that will lead me to optimum outcome. But isn't that what we are always hoping for?

Sick and Tired....

Being sick fails, but being sick when you are a super workaholic, perfectionist, always have thirty things going on simultaneously, is even worse. But let me back up.

On October 4th I graduated from the Massage Therapy program from The College of Massage Therapy at Bingham Memorial Hospital. It was a year long program that, not only taught me a lot about massage therapy, but also a lot about business and working with others. The end of a program is always bittersweet. Of course it is exciting to be finished but it's a little sad to say goodbye to the people you've just spent the last year with. It also brings a sort of senioritis that caused us to act a little immature from time to time. Regardless, I made it, and surprisingly one of my final classes really spoke to me. My last few weeks of class really diversified my education and made me realize that people can be healed using many kinds of therapy. This was a very important lesson to learn and I think it was a great lesson to have right before opening my own practice.

Upon completion of my program I started my own massage therapy practice. This has been an exciting and scary endeavor. I truly want to help people while also maintaining my family time and grow as a professional. Massage therapy has given me so many new tools to use to develop my potential. In order to celebrate this new path I recently hosted a grand opening. Who knew I was so determined?

I woke up very early on Saturday to terrible nausea. Dinner is never good when it comes back out. Thankfully, with some help, I was able to make it to my office. Certain it was just a small case of food poisoning, I was determined to push through to make a good impression on all my potential clients. We had a great time and I really enjoyed spending time with those who attended. A huge thanks to all those that came out to support me. I am looking forward to great success in the massage therapy business.

Now that I'm finished with my schooling I thought things would get less stressful. Unfortunately I'm not sure I know how to live without stress. My debate team is doing very well this year as we prepare for the first tournament. My captains are working hard and I am proud of the progress they have made thus far. As always though, I have a lot on my plate. Between planning a debate leadership retreat, assisting in running a conference, planning a Spa day for my clients and trying to manage my finances and spend time with my family, those little things just add up to one gigantic pile of stress. Top that off with a little worry about my students struggling at home, in life and at school makes for long nights when my mind just doesn't shut off. Toss in a few family issues or a sick friend. Then stir in a bit of bad salad...this is a dangerous recipe. One not without side effects.

I've never struggled with my sleep habits and lately I have been experiencing a bout of insomnia. I try to go to bed at the same time but my mind just won't shut off. Then I wake at unbelievable hours and can't go back to sleep. This has also affected my eating habits. I've never been one to skip a meal and now I find I have no appetite and the things I do eat just aren't appealing to me. Perhaps the one up-side is that I might loose a few pounds but that's unlikely. I don't think it is ever a good thing when your sleep pattern is disrupted and this is highly unusual for me. 

I've never been one to take a lot of medications so the search for insomnia treatments is a bit bumpy. I took a hot bath the other night, tried some light reading, listened to relaxing music, then a book on my ipod last night, but I am still struggling. Last night I decided to take some magnesium which my chiropractor tells me is a natural muscle relaxer and some melatonin that is supposed to induce sleep. I'm not sure if it helped much, I had very weird dreams and it felt more like that crappy sleep when you aren't awake enough to really be coherent but you aren't asleep enough to be relaxed and getting rest. I anticipated that at some point I would hit a wall and feel extremely tired but so far that hasn't happened.

As a result of not sleeping well, I now have a pretty awesome headache. This comes along with a pinched nerve in my neck and a future appointment at the chiropractor. 

So these are some of the things I'm doing in spite of the insomnia and in order to create a more balanced life.  I'm constantly trying to maintain my goal of positivity this year. Toward my work, toward my students, but especially toward education. I'm trying to say 'no' more, so that I can increase the quality of my work not just the quantity. I'm trying to be more patient with my family and say more positive and loving things to them. And I'm trying to take a little time for myself. 

I care about my students, I want to be the best I can be at all the things I do, and I want to help others. Additionally, I want to provide for my family and create an environment that ensures our financial stability. I want to have fun and grow as an individual and professional. I don't want to hit a dead end in my career, health or otherwise. I hope that over the next few weeks I can get a grip of all the things on my plate and overcome this little bump.