I Just Stepped on a Tomato

Raising children is a science experiment. Anyone who tells you differently doesn't have kids.

A little less than 5 years ago, my husband and I learned that we would soon become parents. News that shocked and surprised us at first and then brought excitement and joy. Before the birth of our daughter we had very specific ideas of how we would raise our children. We vowed that we would insure they never misbehave in public. I was confident that I was going to keep my child clean and tidy and we were mature and thoughtful when considering how we would teach her life lessons. We agreed on a plan of discipline and we read several books on parenting to help us be prepared. We even contemplated the idea of telling our child the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. We even decided we would use proper names for body parts and we would never use "baby talk" to identify things.We developed a solid plan of approach and waited for the day of arrival.  We had back up plans for conceivable events and I was committed to providing a healthy life for my child...

Little did I know what complete B.S. that was.

When our sweet daughter entered the world I was not immediately overcome with tears and joy. Let's just say the experience was surreal and it took me a bit to process the fact that I had just given birth. Additionally, they were going to let us take her home from the hospital and once we got home my husband and I just kept wondering "if her real parents were going to come get her." I'm not sure when we finally came to the realization that we were her real parents.

Before you have children you assume that your example and reactions to them is what shapes who they are. If you provide positive feedback for good behavior they will continue to do those things and negative feedback for unacceptable behavior then they will stop. HA! As the first few months passed, I realized very quickly that we as parents have very little to do with who our daughter becomes as a person.

As anyone will tell you, children do not come with an instruction manual. As children grow, their personalities become more apparent. Certainly our example and influence affect our children on some levels but sadly not always in the way we want.

The first time I realized how my behavior and example affected my daughter was when I first heard her say dammit . I hadn't even noticed that I had said it until I heard her banging a couple of blocks together saying "dammit, dammit, dammit." I turned to her and said "What are you doing?!" she looked at me so innocently as said "What, I'm just damning it." As many people discover along the way, being a parent requires some changes in our own behavior not just our children.

As our daughter grew we continued to learn that all of those things we had planned were really just superfluous. Although we established good routines and discipline, things never go the way you plan. I really don't know how people keep their children totally clean. We did strive not to use too much baby talk but it is far too easy and fun to mimic the sounds that those little ones make when they are first learning to communicate. As a mom I turned into a complete goob; mimicking my daughter as she learned new words, getting excited when she held her own bottle, went potty on her own, and giggling when she first tasted a lemon. 

We had always planned to be very clinical with our daughter when it came to helping her learn about her body. You know, very "Look Who's Talking" with Kirsti Alley and John Travolta. One day she was going to the bathroom and as I checked on her I noticed that she was trying to stand on the toilet seat. I asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was going potty. I asked her to sit down and she stated "but daddy stands when he goes potty." I said "yes but you need to sit down." She looked at me puzzled as if thinking what to say and then she looked up at me very seriously and said "Daddy has a tail on his butt." I nearly had to leave the room to keep from falling over in laughter. Now one might think that this would be the prime opportunity to use those clinical words to describe body parts and the obvious differences between boys and girls. Well, I was laughing so hard and also embarrassed at the frankness of her description, relating it to the only thing in her world that was close to it, that I just nodded my head and said "yep, daddy has a tail on his butt." And left it at that. I fear that my daughter will be scarred for life when I finally get up the nerve to explain the differences in gender to her. 

More recently, we have gone through the treacherous threes. Two was a great year and I often wonder when my sweet angel will come out from hiding, but three is a whole different game. Three has been an adventure to say the least and this past year I have learned a lot. As our daughter gains more independence I am realizing that I may have absolutely no control over who she becomes. She is stubborn and assertive and this results in her being even more dirty, never wanting her hair brushed, insisting on doing everything herself; which takes an insane amount of time, and patience, and a years worth of paper towels. She likes to get her own food and drinks, clean up after herself; which really leaves me with another mess, and she loves to be creative. The creativity of a child should be contained in a room covered in plastic with a hose handy. (We also always thought we'd ensure all the toys were picked up and everything was in its place...yeah right!)

This summer the strains of travel and life were really getting to me and I noticed that my patience with our daughter was getting thin. Sometimes out of sheer exhaustion from work I would loose my temper with her and her sweet forgiveness humbled me.

One day in particular I was in quite a rush to get to an appointment. After just slipping on a clean pair of socks I dashed through the house to find where the shoe fairy had left my shoes. Our daughter has always loved eating tomatoes and one of her favorite things is to pick them fresh from her great-grandfather's garden. We also buy small grape tomatoes and have them handy as a snack with Goldfish crackers. Upon entering the living room I caught my daughter sneaking a tomato off the table and in my hurry and impatience to get her going I rushed toward her to reprimand her for wasting time. At that moment I felt a cold squish under my foot. I quickly retracted my body and felt myself getting infuriated. I felt a rush of anger, wanting to yell at my little one for creating the situation at hand, or rather foot, and I wanted to scream. In that second, though, a new and more powerful thought entered my mind "are you seriously going to yell at your daughter for eating tomatoes?"

The moment the thought entered my mind I realized how shortsighted I had been. I looked down at my soggy sock and laughed. It was only a sock after all. After a moment's hesitation my daughter began to laugh too. I sat down next to her and she eagerly climbed into my lap. I pulled off the sock and gave her a big squeeze. With the remnants of a tomato still in her mouth she giggled and said "mom you stepped on a tomato." I laughed with her and I held on to that precious moment. Nothing else seemed as important as holding my sweet angel. The anger rushed away replaced by an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude. I was blessed with a beautiful little girl, who would rather eat tomatoes more than almost anything. I am lucky to have a husband who cooks from scratch every day so that she knows all her vegetables and actually enjoys eating them. I have two jobs and more than one pair of socks.

As I held my precious child I realized how silly and a little selfish I had been over the past few weeks. Everything I need in life is right here wrapped up in love. I let go of the anger I had been holding onto from everything that had gotten to me over the summer. I opened up my heart to forgive those who had wronged me and to forgive myself for thinking "I'll never be a perfect mom." In that moment I learned how moms really are perfect and that I might actually get the hang of this someday. I hugged and kissed my tomato slime little girl and found a new sock. I was grateful to clean up that stupid tomato I had squashed into the floor and I felt renewed in my purpose as a wife and mother.

As crazy as it feels, being a parent is the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a person. I may never been the kind of mom who keeps my child totally clean, but then a little dirt never hurt anyone. The truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny is love and I pray she never stops believing in them. For her recent fourth birthday we held a cherry tomato relay race and made a group finger painting mural to allow all the kids to be creative. We don't have plastic covering our furniture and so far the 5 second rule has been an effective way of keeping germs away.

I have no idea when I will ever get the courage to explain to my daughter the difference between boys and girls, but I know one thing for sure, all it takes is stepping on a few tomatoes to help you see how truly blessed it is to be a parent and how unpredictably awesome it is to raise a child. 

A Smile is Contagious.

Have you ever wondered how it feels to be really happy? A friend of mine, going through a rough time was sharing their feelings with me the other day and said, "I don't know how to be happy. I don't know what I would do if I were actually happy." This message struck me. I too have my struggles as does everyone. Lately I have been experiencing some anxiety myself. Heavens knows why; I only work two jobs, have been travelling all summer, and tend to pile more on my plate than is normal. ;)  I have worked hard to develop some healthy coping strategies like yoga, and writing in my journal. But when a friend says "I don't know what I would do if I were actually happy", it kinda makes you step back and think.

Over the past year and a half I have set some goals for myself and worked hard at reaching them. Goals to be a better listener, to strengthen my faith in God, and to find that true Joy that I know is out there. On any given day I don't go around all cupcakes and butterflies, I mean I have to live in reality too. But for the most part I feel pretty happy. I enjoy life, I love my family, I like getting up for work in the morning, and I am grateful for all the ways God blesses my life. I recognize these things and I revel in the goodness I find there. I still get mad, frustrated, even infuriated sometimes. So how do we learn how to feel happy?

In this day and age it doesn't seem like there are many things to be happy about. The economy is still stuck, jobs are getting harder, raising kids is getting more difficult with media and morality debates every step of the way. For example, I took my daughter to the mall and she wanted to play on the kid's slide. After a few minutes she comes over to me almost in tears and said "mommy, they aren't taking their turns, I can't get my turn." All the other kids were climbing over her. There were kids in there that were really too big to be playing and none of them seemed to notice the little girl they were shoving out of the way. I literally saw a young boy climb over her and step on her hand. How do we teach our children to be good people when there are so many who are not examples of good behavior? So I wonder, with so much bad in the world, it's a wonder anyone can find happiness. More and more people are struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders. Additionally, health in America is declining with rampant obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. It is clear that people are searching for whatever they can to fill the void of unhappiness.

So as I pondered the statement my friend made, I thought about how I had found happiness. I don't remember when but I do remember someone at some point in my life telling me that you have to choose to be happy. As a little girl I remember my mother and grandmother being silly and enjoying the simple things in life. Growing up in a family with little finances, my mother instilled in me the message that "we may not be rich with money, but we are rich in love." I have carried this with me throughout my whole life. Which is good because as a young person,  money has been a struggle. I also was blessed with a very supportive family. I remember a particularly difficult time in my life and when you are scraping the bottom of the barrel it is easy to feel like giving up. Luckily I had my mom's voice in the back of my mind, always loving me and that truly kept me going. I have always observed those around me and tried to learn from their mistakes. I have always tried to really internalize those motivational messages that I hear, but all of that seems so incomplete when it comes to answering the question about how to find happiness.

I was channel surfing the other day and happened upon Oprah's new station and her Sunday show called Lifeclass. I instantly got sucked into a story on letting go of anger. Forgiveness is a key element in finding happiness I've discovered. She shared a variety of stories of individuals who, through their personal trials, were able to forgive others and let go of their anger. This was a powerful lesson to me. It is absolutely true that hate and anger will consume your life if you let it. I often say offhanded that I don't have the time or energy to hate people and even though I say it lightly it really is true. It takes a great deal of energy to hate a person and swim around in that drama. Free yourself by choosing not to hate others. Oprah furthers her lesson by saying, you can accept that something happened to you but you don't have to let it consume you. Bad things will happen to us, and in some cases those bad things will be the direct result of a choice that another person has made. We can either choose to learn something from the experience or we can allow that hurt and hate to consume us.

I get road rage pretty bad and even in the midst of yelling some obscenity at someone who can't hear me, I am always reminded of the Lord's hand in my life. I can't help but thank God for putting the slow person in front of me because I will never know what unforeseen circumstance I avoided by being a little slower. I am also humbled by this because I am reminded that I have no idea what is going on in that other person's life. Perhaps they are on their way to a job interview and they have been out of work for several months. Perhaps they are on their way to a grandchild's birthday party, or maybe, like me, they have a stubborn child in the back seat driving them nuts. Putting myself in other people's shoes has really helped me find the good in my life.

Faith has been the other big thing in my life lately. I have been working hard to strengthen my faith in God. I have always wanted to learn more about God and I enjoy going to church and learning how to be a better person. Over the past year I have done more personal study and tried to be more Christlike in dealing with others and I can tell you that this has brought me a great amount of Joy. Not only in helping others but also in helping myself. I am very grateful for the way the Lord works in my life and for the lessons He teaches me. Working hard to better myself and increase my faith in God has helped me find more happiness and more peace.

Take time to recognize the goodness in your life. Enjoy the beauty that surrounds you each day. Let go of anger and work toward forgiveness. Have Faith. Love your friends and family and enjoy spending time with  them. Do good for others. Choose to be happy today. Learn from those difficult experiences and cling to the silver lining as if your life depended on it. Hold a baby. Turn off all your electronics and go for a walk or take a relaxing bath.

These are just a few of the things I do to create happiness. I don't think happiness just happens. we have to create it, we have to live it, and we have to share it. Be silly and always remember the kid inside. I like to slide across the floor in my socks or dance in my living room with my daughter. I know if you look deep within yourself you can find some happiness. But above all, never give up. help those around you see the good in life. If you are struggling like my friend, maybe part of it is fake it till you make it. Try something new even if you think it won't work. A smile is contagious and you just might find, that for one small moment you are happy.

On Turning 30

In less than 1 hour I will officially be 30 years old. This is a pivotal moment in every young person's life and everyone reacts to 30 differently. It is an exciting bittersweet experience thus far. But what does it mean to be 30? I used to think I knew. When I was in high school I had this image or rather fantasy of what I thought my life would be like at 30. I imagined I'd be married with a kid or two. I thought I'd have some matching furniture in a nice little house and I thought we'd be in a fairly stable financial situation. You know, after graduating from college and finding careers, I thought paying our bills would be pretty simple and that we'd also have money in savings. Building up a little nest egg or saving for the future of our kids. I thought I'd be...well, settled.

Unfortunately, 30 is quite different. Despite the lack of my very own parking place and a little white fence there are some parts of turning 30 I had never even considered. I had no idea that the economy would tank and that renting an apartment would actually turn out in our favor. It allows us freedom and mobility and when stuff breaks, we don't have to pay to fix it. :) I never imagined I would be so loved by the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. I also never imagined I could be so completely happily married. So many people have trouble with their relationships and in this day and age it's hard not to trip over someone breaking up or getting divorced. Even though I have loved my husband for nearly 12 years, before we were married and even early on, there was always that tiny fear that things may not work out. Now I am just so grateful for him and the life that we have built, every single day. Do we always see eye to eye, no. But we work together to build one another up. He is my biggest supporter and I can't imagine spending my 30th birthday or any birthday with anyone else.

Turning 30 isn't what I thought it would be, instead it is so much more. I am loved and happy and I've been able to do things I never thought I could. I have true friends who I can call on in the middle of the night. I have a loving family. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and a great cook to make my dinner :) Most of all I have a sense of accomplishment, great self worth and faith in God.

I don't think it gets much better than this. Happy birthday to me!

Crazy but good.

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm sure you were all waiting on the edge of your seats pining for me to write some more. :) If you aren't familiar with the seasons of debate then here is the down low: during the summer you contact your students for an initial get to know you, most of the varsity students prep during the summer and we often have a little mini camp for a few days to give our students the extra information they need to get ready for competition. Then school starts the end of August, first part of Sept. Our first tournament is the last weekend in October, then we have approximately 10 two day tournaments from November through the end of February with qualifying tournaments in March and April. Then Nationals in June and then we start over again. So unfortunately people usually don't see me or hear from me from November or December until April. And as can be observed from my blog, that's pretty much what happened this time.

                                             Chillin in my classroom.

So what have I been doing all this time to improve myself? Well after graduating from The College of Massage Therapy and starting my massage business in October I have been excited to watch my clientele grow and my business reach more people. I enjoyed spending the holidays with family and take whatever break I could. After the holidays I set a goal to loose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday and I joined Gold's Gym. In February I was selected as the area's National Forensic League district coach of the year. I was very excited about this accomplishment having only coached for 5 short years. I gained some new and different responsibilities at my church and I attempted to get through a few books I had started.

I've refocused my efforts on spending quality time with my family and while I was on spring break I believe I did just that. Watching my daughter grow and learn is amazing. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of watching a three year old can probably understand this wonder to behold. I try not to be one of those parents that 'thinks my kid is a genius' but isn't it fascinating to watch them discover the world. One of my favorite things is listening to her develop language. Our ability to communicate truly is what sets us apart as a species and it is what makes us human. It is baffling to watch her learn new words and even more, to listen to her make connections between things.

Now it's May and only a few weeks away from my birthday and not nearly close enough to meet my weight loss goals. However, I have learned some good lessons. With all the stress and craziness with my career in education it has been hard to decide to stay teaching another year or put all my energy and effort into growing my massage therapy business. It is my goal to transition out of education and into massage therapy but it is a scary and risky experience to change careers. Next year is going to come with some big changes and as much as I'd like to throw in the towel now, we just feel it wouldn't be financially prudent.

I have been working hard at working out and eating healthy. I have enjoyed my weight lifting class. Although I haven't met my weight loss goals I feel better about my body, I feel like I've lost body fat and my pants fit better; which I think is the better measure. It is NOT easy to loose weight. However, I have had some great experiences through my workouts and even recently had an almost spiritual moment during a spinning class. All in all I'm glad I joined the gym and I feel better every day that I go.


Transitions and change are good. They allow us to see our world from a different perspective. In one week I will turn 30. Isn't it funny how we have a picture in our mind of how our life will be when we are 30. I remember in high school, thinking that by this point, I would have graduated with my Master's degree, own a home and be able to pay all my bills and still have money left over for food and gas. Boy was I naive! I guess some lessons you can only learn the hard way. I do find it frustrating when I see barely twenty something's going around as if they've got it all figured out. They have a great house with matching furniture, a kid or two, a decent job, and they seem to be doing pretty well. But I suppose everyone is dealt a different hand of cards so we have to go with what we've got.

Someday I will have that house and some matching furniture to go with it. But most of all I just want happiness and joy....Oh and a parking spot that is all my own!