Raising children is a science experiment. Anyone who tells you differently doesn't have kids.
Little did I know what complete B.S. that was.
A little less than 5 years ago, my husband and I learned that we would soon become parents. News that shocked and surprised us at first and then brought excitement and joy. Before the birth of our daughter we had very specific ideas of how we would raise our children. We vowed that we would insure they never misbehave in public. I was confident that I was going to keep my child clean and tidy and we were mature and thoughtful when considering how we would teach her life lessons. We agreed on a plan of discipline and we read several books on parenting to help us be prepared. We even contemplated the idea of telling our child the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. We even decided we would use proper names for body parts and we would never use "baby talk" to identify things.We developed a solid plan of approach and waited for the day of arrival. We had back up plans for conceivable events and I was committed to providing a healthy life for my child...
Little did I know what complete B.S. that was.
When our sweet daughter entered the world I was not immediately overcome with tears and joy. Let's just say the experience was surreal and it took me a bit to process the fact that I had just given birth. Additionally, they were going to let us take her home from the hospital and once we got home my husband and I just kept wondering "if her real parents were going to come get her." I'm not sure when we finally came to the realization that we were her real parents.
Before you have children you assume that your example and reactions to them is what shapes who they are. If you provide positive feedback for good behavior they will continue to do those things and negative feedback for unacceptable behavior then they will stop. HA! As the first few months passed, I realized very quickly that we as parents have very little to do with who our daughter becomes as a person.
As anyone will tell you, children do not come with an instruction manual. As children grow, their personalities become more apparent. Certainly our example and influence affect our children on some levels but sadly not always in the way we want.
The first time I realized how my behavior and example affected my daughter was when I first heard her say dammit . I hadn't even noticed that I had said it until I heard her banging a couple of blocks together saying "dammit, dammit, dammit." I turned to her and said "What are you doing?!" she looked at me so innocently as said "What, I'm just damning it." As many people discover along the way, being a parent requires some changes in our own behavior not just our children.
As our daughter grew we continued to learn that all of those things we had planned were really just superfluous. Although we established good routines and discipline, things never go the way you plan. I really don't know how people keep their children totally clean. We did strive not to use too much baby talk but it is far too easy and fun to mimic the sounds that those little ones make when they are first learning to communicate. As a mom I turned into a complete goob; mimicking my daughter as she learned new words, getting excited when she held her own bottle, went potty on her own, and giggling when she first tasted a lemon.
We had always planned to be very clinical with our daughter when it came to helping her learn about her body. You know, very "Look Who's Talking" with Kirsti Alley and John Travolta. One day she was going to the bathroom and as I checked on her I noticed that she was trying to stand on the toilet seat. I asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was going potty. I asked her to sit down and she stated "but daddy stands when he goes potty." I said "yes but you need to sit down." She looked at me puzzled as if thinking what to say and then she looked up at me very seriously and said "Daddy has a tail on his butt." I nearly had to leave the room to keep from falling over in laughter. Now one might think that this would be the prime opportunity to use those clinical words to describe body parts and the obvious differences between boys and girls. Well, I was laughing so hard and also embarrassed at the frankness of her description, relating it to the only thing in her world that was close to it, that I just nodded my head and said "yep, daddy has a tail on his butt." And left it at that. I fear that my daughter will be scarred for life when I finally get up the nerve to explain the differences in gender to her.
More recently, we have gone through the treacherous threes. Two was a great year and I often wonder when my sweet angel will come out from hiding, but three is a whole different game. Three has been an adventure to say the least and this past year I have learned a lot. As our daughter gains more independence I am realizing that I may have absolutely no control over who she becomes. She is stubborn and assertive and this results in her being even more dirty, never wanting her hair brushed, insisting on doing everything herself; which takes an insane amount of time, and patience, and a years worth of paper towels. She likes to get her own food and drinks, clean up after herself; which really leaves me with another mess, and she loves to be creative. The creativity of a child should be contained in a room covered in plastic with a hose handy. (We also always thought we'd ensure all the toys were picked up and everything was in its place...yeah right!)
This summer the strains of travel and life were really getting to me and I noticed that my patience with our daughter was getting thin. Sometimes out of sheer exhaustion from work I would loose my temper with her and her sweet forgiveness humbled me.
One day in particular I was in quite a rush to get to an appointment. After just slipping on a clean pair of socks I dashed through the house to find where the shoe fairy had left my shoes. Our daughter has always loved eating tomatoes and one of her favorite things is to pick them fresh from her great-grandfather's garden. We also buy small grape tomatoes and have them handy as a snack with Goldfish crackers. Upon entering the living room I caught my daughter sneaking a tomato off the table and in my hurry and impatience to get her going I rushed toward her to reprimand her for wasting time. At that moment I felt a cold squish under my foot. I quickly retracted my body and felt myself getting infuriated. I felt a rush of anger, wanting to yell at my little one for creating the situation at hand, or rather foot, and I wanted to scream. In that second, though, a new and more powerful thought entered my mind "are you seriously going to yell at your daughter for eating tomatoes?"
The moment the thought entered my mind I realized how shortsighted I had been. I looked down at my soggy sock and laughed. It was only a sock after all. After a moment's hesitation my daughter began to laugh too. I sat down next to her and she eagerly climbed into my lap. I pulled off the sock and gave her a big squeeze. With the remnants of a tomato still in her mouth she giggled and said "mom you stepped on a tomato." I laughed with her and I held on to that precious moment. Nothing else seemed as important as holding my sweet angel. The anger rushed away replaced by an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude. I was blessed with a beautiful little girl, who would rather eat tomatoes more than almost anything. I am lucky to have a husband who cooks from scratch every day so that she knows all her vegetables and actually enjoys eating them. I have two jobs and more than one pair of socks.
As I held my precious child I realized how silly and a little selfish I had been over the past few weeks. Everything I need in life is right here wrapped up in love. I let go of the anger I had been holding onto from everything that had gotten to me over the summer. I opened up my heart to forgive those who had wronged me and to forgive myself for thinking "I'll never be a perfect mom." In that moment I learned how moms really are perfect and that I might actually get the hang of this someday. I hugged and kissed my tomato slime little girl and found a new sock. I was grateful to clean up that stupid tomato I had squashed into the floor and I felt renewed in my purpose as a wife and mother.
As crazy as it feels, being a parent is the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a person. I may never been the kind of mom who keeps my child totally clean, but then a little dirt never hurt anyone. The truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny is love and I pray she never stops believing in them. For her recent fourth birthday we held a cherry tomato relay race and made a group finger painting mural to allow all the kids to be creative. We don't have plastic covering our furniture and so far the 5 second rule has been an effective way of keeping germs away.
I have no idea when I will ever get the courage to explain to my daughter the difference between boys and girls, but I know one thing for sure, all it takes is stepping on a few tomatoes to help you see how truly blessed it is to be a parent and how unpredictably awesome it is to raise a child.
One day in particular I was in quite a rush to get to an appointment. After just slipping on a clean pair of socks I dashed through the house to find where the shoe fairy had left my shoes. Our daughter has always loved eating tomatoes and one of her favorite things is to pick them fresh from her great-grandfather's garden. We also buy small grape tomatoes and have them handy as a snack with Goldfish crackers. Upon entering the living room I caught my daughter sneaking a tomato off the table and in my hurry and impatience to get her going I rushed toward her to reprimand her for wasting time. At that moment I felt a cold squish under my foot. I quickly retracted my body and felt myself getting infuriated. I felt a rush of anger, wanting to yell at my little one for creating the situation at hand, or rather foot, and I wanted to scream. In that second, though, a new and more powerful thought entered my mind "are you seriously going to yell at your daughter for eating tomatoes?"
The moment the thought entered my mind I realized how shortsighted I had been. I looked down at my soggy sock and laughed. It was only a sock after all. After a moment's hesitation my daughter began to laugh too. I sat down next to her and she eagerly climbed into my lap. I pulled off the sock and gave her a big squeeze. With the remnants of a tomato still in her mouth she giggled and said "mom you stepped on a tomato." I laughed with her and I held on to that precious moment. Nothing else seemed as important as holding my sweet angel. The anger rushed away replaced by an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude. I was blessed with a beautiful little girl, who would rather eat tomatoes more than almost anything. I am lucky to have a husband who cooks from scratch every day so that she knows all her vegetables and actually enjoys eating them. I have two jobs and more than one pair of socks.
As I held my precious child I realized how silly and a little selfish I had been over the past few weeks. Everything I need in life is right here wrapped up in love. I let go of the anger I had been holding onto from everything that had gotten to me over the summer. I opened up my heart to forgive those who had wronged me and to forgive myself for thinking "I'll never be a perfect mom." In that moment I learned how moms really are perfect and that I might actually get the hang of this someday. I hugged and kissed my tomato slime little girl and found a new sock. I was grateful to clean up that stupid tomato I had squashed into the floor and I felt renewed in my purpose as a wife and mother.
As crazy as it feels, being a parent is the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a person. I may never been the kind of mom who keeps my child totally clean, but then a little dirt never hurt anyone. The truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny is love and I pray she never stops believing in them. For her recent fourth birthday we held a cherry tomato relay race and made a group finger painting mural to allow all the kids to be creative. We don't have plastic covering our furniture and so far the 5 second rule has been an effective way of keeping germs away.
I have no idea when I will ever get the courage to explain to my daughter the difference between boys and girls, but I know one thing for sure, all it takes is stepping on a few tomatoes to help you see how truly blessed it is to be a parent and how unpredictably awesome it is to raise a child.
